So I have so much I could talk about that this post will probably actually wind up being really short. Today is Christmas. Merry Christmas. So for Christmas this year my family did the California fun pass, where you can go to Disneyland (and California Adventure) three days, Universal Studios OR Knotts Berry Farm once, Sea World, and then the San Diego Zoo OR Wild Animal Park, all for a surprisingly low price. Seriously, awesome deal. Now I love Disneyland (and California Adventure) so I'm not going to talk about that much. Except they have this awesome thing in C.A. where you go and they teach you how to draw various Disney characters, and they actually have you draw them. I really enjoyed it, and wish that I could draw well and things like that. So check that out (and "Turtle Talk with Crush" that's amazing also. And they're in the same building). Anyway. I want to talk about what we did with our Second day.
Last time we went, we chose to go to Knotts Berry Farm, which is alright, but it seems to be more for little kids. So we decided to go to Universal Studios. Now. I love movies, and I love how they are made. Everything about them is so amazing to me. Universal Studios however, is not amazing. Every thing we did (not just rides, but shows even) involved water hitting me, with the exception of one, in which I was called up to participate and be a volunteer. We went to a show about how they did the stunts for "Backdraft" (which is about fire and dry things) and I got sprayed. Sherk's 4-D garbage? sprayed me a ton. The studio backlot tour was pretty cool, just because we went up the street that is the set of Desperate Housewives, and they showed how they always use the same building sets for movies, but you never realize it, but I even got wet on that. No, the worst part of the park was the Simpsons ride.
Let's walk onto the ride, above us they have playing episodes of the simpsons, which is quite alright. There's no one in line with us, it just take forever to walk through all the little line things. Then you wait. It doesn't matter if there aren't any people anywhere, you just wait. then you go to a little room. and wait again. then you get on the ride, which is one of those motion ones, which i really don't like. so you start watching this movie and getting thrown around and sprayed in the face and everything. then they crash you at the bottom and you think the ride is over. so they take your picture. and the one they took for us is one the funniest ones i've ever seen, because the ride was so bad. i know some people like universal, i'm just not one of those people. sea world was pretty good though. i don't like the lack of rides and amount of shows (and it was POURING rain the whole time), but the when you think about it, the things that they train these animals to do is AMAZING. so that was interesting. overall the trip was a-grade material. i'm glad i was able to go. and then come home to feet of snow. i love it. for two years i wished and hoped and prayed for a white christmas, or just snow. and now i'm getting it. it won't stop. and i'm so happy.
i'm going to do another post to actually talk about christmas, because this one is getting a little long. but before i wrap it up i want to point out my inability to live without an ipod. As I was packing to leave for the airport there were several things I needed to do, and during the process I lost my ipod touch. Not a big deal right? apparently for me it is because we stopped at costco before we got on the plane so we could get our passes for Disney, and I bought a new one. So if I find my old one I can either return the one I have or sell the other one, so let me know if you'd like an ipod touch. I'll even put music and applications that I bought on it for you...
12.25.2008
12.15.2008
blowing out your eardrums
do you ever have those days when you just want to listen to your music so loud that you can't hear anything else, and you know you're causing permanent damage, but you just don't care? yeah. tonight is one of those times. and i just some new headphones that go like straight into my ear, making scarring that much easier. turn up itunes all the way and you just need 3 bars on the volume to effectively block out even the typing of the keyboard. it's just what i need
12.13.2008
10 of the Most Influential Songs in My Life
So over the past few days I’ve been spending a lot more time than usual with my music, I’ve just had more opportunities to listen I guess, and this has given a chance to really think about what music really actually has had an effect on me as a person. This playlist is short, not even reaching 45 minutes, so about the size of an album, but on it are 10 songs that have had some of the most impact of who I am than a lot of other things in the world. This post isn’t very exciting, but I really wanted to do it. I may continue to post things like this (I’m always making playlists anyway, maybe I’ll start talking about them) but we’ll see. Let me know if you want that. I could make them more objective and post them in “clever compositions and honesty,” but we’ll just have to see. Please note. These are not all my favorite songs. Some of them I don’t really like very much. That’s not the point of the list.
Ten of the Most Influential Songs in My Life:
10. Hands Down -- Dashboard Confessional -- So Impossible EP
I fell in love with this song before I was really familiar with Dashboard. A certain girl used to sing it all the time. Then I fell in love with her, and really did have the best dates I’ve ever had with her. This song helps me remember when I’ve been truly happy and reminds me that joy is obtainable.
9. Sun -- Daphne Loves Derby -- Punk Goes Acoustic 2
I guess you can say that this song has become my “theme song” for that past little while. And it probably will be for awhile. *sigh* It’s a beautiful song though. I love their acoustic stuff.
8. Behind Blue Eyes – The Who – Who’s Next
I wasn’t in a happy mood, and everything to help me feel happy just didn’t so good so I came up with a better idea make yourself feel even worse. So I listened to this song for 24 hours straight. It was quite the experience actually. I wasn’t actually awake for all of it, but it played while I slept. That may show how weird I am, but this song really connects with some part of me. I actually wrote out an entire script for a music video to this song (first time I’d ever done it). This has helped me be alright with a lack of acceptance
7. Memory Lane -- Jake White -- EFY 2000 Forward With Faith
I listened to this album over 40 times straight on my mission, without listening to anything else. Some of the best time of my mission might I add. Elder Chunky, this is for you.
6. Swing Life Away -- Rise Against -- Siren Song of the Counter Culture
Part of me loves this song. It’s so well written and controls emotions so well. Sadly, most (but not all) of my memories with this song are negative. It took a long time for me to be able to listen to this song (I guess I’m just overly emotional and stuff). This song helps me see beauty in sad things
5. White Daisy Passing -- Rocky Votolato – Makers
This song has so many good memories associated with it. Nag Champa and some of my favorite people in the world locked in a room until late at night. The words are beautiful and the feelings you get as you think about your own life are captivating. And I also fell in absolute love with acoustic music, opening up a whole new world
4. Let It Be -- The Beatles -- Let It Be
Back in High School, my friends and I decided to start a band. Like all good beginning bands all we could do was covers. It was a unanimous decision that this would be our first song, and guess who got to sing? That band never went anywhere, but my love for music and appreciation for bands and what they do was forever changed.
3. Heysátan -- Sigur Rós -- Takk...
February 8, 2006 This song was performed on “Late Night With Conan O’brien.” Some of you may remember when I saw this. I freaked. And so did Ben across the hall. The next day we (combined) bought most of their discography. My musical taste has never been the same. And my search for new sounds never really started until this moment.
2. A Hard Rain's a-Gonna Fall -- Bob Dylan -- Free Wheelin' Bob Dylan
The first time I heard this song I was in Mr. Larson’s Sophomore English class. And we didn’t just listen to it, we analyzed it. We took each line and talked about it. This is the moment that I decided that no matter what I do with my life, I want to help people. I’m still not sure how I’m going to do that, but it’s my goal to.
1. Hey Jude -- The Beatles – Single
There is no doubt in my mind that this song has had more of an effect on me than any other song ever. It’s not just the records that it has, or the groundbreaking it did (it seems like most of the Beatles stuff did. But more than that (this playlist isn’t about groundbreaking) this song is number one because it was what really helped me to fall in love with the Beatles, and music overall. This is where my passion started.
Maybe I’ll do this again sometime. I’m so excited for school to be done. Only 2-3 more days, depending on when I take my finals, then it’s off to Mickey land. I’m going to get pictures with all the princesses.
Comment questions:
1) What song has had the most influence on you? Care to share why?
2) what are you going to do over your break (if you get one)?
ps/ if you would like this or any other of my playlists (or a custom one) just let me know and we'll find a way to get it to you
Ten of the Most Influential Songs in My Life:
10. Hands Down -- Dashboard Confessional -- So Impossible EP
I fell in love with this song before I was really familiar with Dashboard. A certain girl used to sing it all the time. Then I fell in love with her, and really did have the best dates I’ve ever had with her. This song helps me remember when I’ve been truly happy and reminds me that joy is obtainable.
9. Sun -- Daphne Loves Derby -- Punk Goes Acoustic 2
I guess you can say that this song has become my “theme song” for that past little while. And it probably will be for awhile. *sigh* It’s a beautiful song though. I love their acoustic stuff.
8. Behind Blue Eyes – The Who – Who’s Next
I wasn’t in a happy mood, and everything to help me feel happy just didn’t so good so I came up with a better idea make yourself feel even worse. So I listened to this song for 24 hours straight. It was quite the experience actually. I wasn’t actually awake for all of it, but it played while I slept. That may show how weird I am, but this song really connects with some part of me. I actually wrote out an entire script for a music video to this song (first time I’d ever done it). This has helped me be alright with a lack of acceptance
7. Memory Lane -- Jake White -- EFY 2000 Forward With Faith
I listened to this album over 40 times straight on my mission, without listening to anything else. Some of the best time of my mission might I add. Elder Chunky, this is for you.
6. Swing Life Away -- Rise Against -- Siren Song of the Counter Culture
Part of me loves this song. It’s so well written and controls emotions so well. Sadly, most (but not all) of my memories with this song are negative. It took a long time for me to be able to listen to this song (I guess I’m just overly emotional and stuff). This song helps me see beauty in sad things
5. White Daisy Passing -- Rocky Votolato – Makers
This song has so many good memories associated with it. Nag Champa and some of my favorite people in the world locked in a room until late at night. The words are beautiful and the feelings you get as you think about your own life are captivating. And I also fell in absolute love with acoustic music, opening up a whole new world
4. Let It Be -- The Beatles -- Let It Be
Back in High School, my friends and I decided to start a band. Like all good beginning bands all we could do was covers. It was a unanimous decision that this would be our first song, and guess who got to sing? That band never went anywhere, but my love for music and appreciation for bands and what they do was forever changed.
3. Heysátan -- Sigur Rós -- Takk...
February 8, 2006 This song was performed on “Late Night With Conan O’brien.” Some of you may remember when I saw this. I freaked. And so did Ben across the hall. The next day we (combined) bought most of their discography. My musical taste has never been the same. And my search for new sounds never really started until this moment.
2. A Hard Rain's a-Gonna Fall -- Bob Dylan -- Free Wheelin' Bob Dylan
The first time I heard this song I was in Mr. Larson’s Sophomore English class. And we didn’t just listen to it, we analyzed it. We took each line and talked about it. This is the moment that I decided that no matter what I do with my life, I want to help people. I’m still not sure how I’m going to do that, but it’s my goal to.
1. Hey Jude -- The Beatles – Single
There is no doubt in my mind that this song has had more of an effect on me than any other song ever. It’s not just the records that it has, or the groundbreaking it did (it seems like most of the Beatles stuff did. But more than that (this playlist isn’t about groundbreaking) this song is number one because it was what really helped me to fall in love with the Beatles, and music overall. This is where my passion started.
Maybe I’ll do this again sometime. I’m so excited for school to be done. Only 2-3 more days, depending on when I take my finals, then it’s off to Mickey land. I’m going to get pictures with all the princesses.
Comment questions:
1) What song has had the most influence on you? Care to share why?
2) what are you going to do over your break (if you get one)?
ps/ if you would like this or any other of my playlists (or a custom one) just let me know and we'll find a way to get it to you
12.10.2008
One of life's little pleasures
So right now I'm in the act of revamping my life. I've tried to do it a little bit at a time, but that just doesn't work for me. So I have to do it all at once. Major (sociology), where I live (the elms), social life (more of it for more experiences), webcomics (dropping some that really aren't very good), and one of the biggies: music. That's right. After giving my favorite person all my music, I realized how much junk I really have. Belle Epoque? Klaxons? All the best from India? actually I like that one. Anyway, as I've been reviewing and purging my playlist (that'd be an interesting band: and now...Purging playlists!! (cheer, scream, jump, wooo) I've come across a lot of music that I haven't listened to for a long time. We're talking like high school/before mission. When I got home I just put it all on my computer without really looking at what I was doing. Oh how the memories flooded back. Songs that I thought would never leave my top lists, that I would listen to every day, now just sitting in my library. Why on earth do I have the Spin Doctors? Blues Traveler? Are they still even around? It's like when you clean out your closet and have all sorts of memories.
Granted there are some things I don't know why I have the (Dog Traders? My excuse is that they're the first indie cred I can really claim) but the inconvenience of those are far outweighed (outplayed) but the joy of digging up old gems. So give it a shot. Break out the old cds. Your first cds (Space Jam, I still remember opening up the present and being so excited that I had a cd. That's instant coolness in my book). Those first bands you fell in love with (Lucky for me, i started with Beatles, who not only are still absolutely amazing, they also have more than enough pointless info for me to memorize and take up brain space). Those things that you swore you'd never discount, but now swear you'll never admit to owning (like I'm going to give an example of that here). Pull it all out. Listen to it. And then let me know how it goes. I want to hear back
In other news, I'm working on a project right now in another blog. after a few more posts I'll unhide it and you can let me know what you think. I really hope it works out so I'll need lots of feedback. You can even give feedback to him.
Granted there are some things I don't know why I have the (Dog Traders? My excuse is that they're the first indie cred I can really claim) but the inconvenience of those are far outweighed (outplayed) but the joy of digging up old gems. So give it a shot. Break out the old cds. Your first cds (Space Jam, I still remember opening up the present and being so excited that I had a cd. That's instant coolness in my book). Those first bands you fell in love with (Lucky for me, i started with Beatles, who not only are still absolutely amazing, they also have more than enough pointless info for me to memorize and take up brain space). Those things that you swore you'd never discount, but now swear you'll never admit to owning (like I'm going to give an example of that here). Pull it all out. Listen to it. And then let me know how it goes. I want to hear back
In other news, I'm working on a project right now in another blog. after a few more posts I'll unhide it and you can let me know what you think. I really hope it works out so I'll need lots of feedback. You can even give feedback to him.
12.08.2008
Lullaby - The Spill Canvas and a new idea
It's your grace and how it keeps me grounded.
I know that you're weak, just let me sing you to sleep.
If you need anything, just the say the word.
I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
and plant my lips where your necklaces close.
While you were sleeping I figured out everything,
I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me.
Now I feel your name, coursing through my veins.
You shine so bright it's insane, you put the sun to shame.
(Oh)
If you need anything, just the say the word.
I mean anything. (I really do)
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
and plant my lips where your necklaces close.
If you need anything, just the say the word.
I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
and plant my lips where your necklaces close.
So I love the Spill Canvas. And this is one of my favorite songs off their new album "No Really I'm Fine." I've found myself once again in an acoustic mood, which is a good place to be. There's a power in the calming effect it has. Yes I am a romantic, sappy, little wimp who let's his emotions run things a lot. Which is probably why I'm alone, I weird girls out with my little ideas and the cute-sie things I try. But I'd rather be alone then to be with anyone who isn't you. (and there we go again...)
Anyway. I was thinking. My life isn't very exciting. So I think I'm going to turn this blog into a fictional story about someone else. See how my creative juices are. I can just use my own emotional issues to make it more interesting. Same general feelings (some of them) different situations (some of those too...)
I'll start trying it out, and let me know what you think. And for some reason when I post this it's HUGE. what the heck?
I know that you're weak, just let me sing you to sleep.
If you need anything, just the say the word.
I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
and plant my lips where your necklaces close.
While you were sleeping I figured out everything,
I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me.
Now I feel your name, coursing through my veins.
You shine so bright it's insane, you put the sun to shame.
(Oh)
If you need anything, just the say the word.
I mean anything. (I really do)
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
and plant my lips where your necklaces close.
If you need anything, just the say the word.
I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,
and plant my lips where your necklaces close.
So I love the Spill Canvas. And this is one of my favorite songs off their new album "No Really I'm Fine." I've found myself once again in an acoustic mood, which is a good place to be. There's a power in the calming effect it has. Yes I am a romantic, sappy, little wimp who let's his emotions run things a lot. Which is probably why I'm alone, I weird girls out with my little ideas and the cute-sie things I try. But I'd rather be alone then to be with anyone who isn't you. (and there we go again...)
Anyway. I was thinking. My life isn't very exciting. So I think I'm going to turn this blog into a fictional story about someone else. See how my creative juices are. I can just use my own emotional issues to make it more interesting. Same general feelings (some of them) different situations (some of those too...)
I'll start trying it out, and let me know what you think. And for some reason when I post this it's HUGE. what the heck?
11.30.2008
6 months
Today marks 6 months of my being home from my mission. So crazy. Let's take a look back and see what we've accomplished:
-I've moved twice, once away from home and then to a new apartment, with plans to move again in a few weeks
-I've gotten my dream college job
-I've finally decided what I want to do with my life (the next few years will see if that's actually going to happen)
-I bought the scooter I've wanted for so long
-I kissed a girl
-I've purchased an ipod. but not just any old ipod. we're talking the ipod touch. (this is significant because I told myself I'd never get an ipod)
-I've been to some amazing concerts (motion city soundtrack, ace enders, hellogoodbye, the hush sound, panic at the disco, cary judd, rocky votolato, ryan shupe and the rubberband)
-I've been dumped
-I've put makeup on my own face
-I got a Costco Membership
-I went to a Real game (and understood swearing in two different languages)
-I've gone rock climbing (and was forced to climb the whole thing)
-I've lost 20 pounds (that I didn't have to lose)
-I've eaten at chipotle. several times
-I managed to be banned from halloween by my mother for the rest of my life
-I've made this list
so there's probably a lot more that I've done. But I can't think of anything right now. I did have some really cool insights at church. I really think I'll be able to be a seminary teacher, even though it's such a hard job to get. It's a righteous desire of my heart. Some people say that lots of people have that desire. But in one of the talks the speaker talked about how in french the way to say please actually means "if it pleases you" so you're asking the lord to do things only if it pleases him. As I've thought about it, I honestly feel that teaching seminary is a righteous desire of my heart that would be pleasing to the Lord. I also would love to be a religion professor at BYU, but I don't feel that would be pleasing to to Lord, so although it's a good thing, it's not a righteous desire because it's not in line with what the Lord wants. I don't know if that makes sense when I write it, but basically what I'm trying to say that a desire of the heart is what we truly want, and a righteous desire is when the Lord wants it as well. anyway. 6 months. crazy. I'm still not engaged. Take that missionaries who thought I would be...
-I've moved twice, once away from home and then to a new apartment, with plans to move again in a few weeks
-I've gotten my dream college job
-I've finally decided what I want to do with my life (the next few years will see if that's actually going to happen)
-I bought the scooter I've wanted for so long
-I kissed a girl
-I've purchased an ipod. but not just any old ipod. we're talking the ipod touch. (this is significant because I told myself I'd never get an ipod)
-I've been to some amazing concerts (motion city soundtrack, ace enders, hellogoodbye, the hush sound, panic at the disco, cary judd, rocky votolato, ryan shupe and the rubberband)
-I've been dumped
-I've put makeup on my own face
-I got a Costco Membership
-I went to a Real game (and understood swearing in two different languages)
-I've gone rock climbing (and was forced to climb the whole thing)
-I've lost 20 pounds (that I didn't have to lose)
-I've eaten at chipotle. several times
-I managed to be banned from halloween by my mother for the rest of my life
-I've made this list
so there's probably a lot more that I've done. But I can't think of anything right now. I did have some really cool insights at church. I really think I'll be able to be a seminary teacher, even though it's such a hard job to get. It's a righteous desire of my heart. Some people say that lots of people have that desire. But in one of the talks the speaker talked about how in french the way to say please actually means "if it pleases you" so you're asking the lord to do things only if it pleases him. As I've thought about it, I honestly feel that teaching seminary is a righteous desire of my heart that would be pleasing to the Lord. I also would love to be a religion professor at BYU, but I don't feel that would be pleasing to to Lord, so although it's a good thing, it's not a righteous desire because it's not in line with what the Lord wants. I don't know if that makes sense when I write it, but basically what I'm trying to say that a desire of the heart is what we truly want, and a righteous desire is when the Lord wants it as well. anyway. 6 months. crazy. I'm still not engaged. Take that missionaries who thought I would be...
11.29.2008
just filling time
so i've come to realize that i'm not very good at psychology. so i have to change majors. i'm ok with that, because i really want to be a seminary teacher. i'm just that nerdy. i'm beginning to be alright with the fact that i'll have to live in one of a few places for awhile, at least until i can become like an insitute director or something. but that's not what i wanted to talk about. i was thinking about my blog over the thanksgiving break (especially after i found out my cousin who isn't even 10 has a blog too) and i don't really have a point behind it. i just ramble off something about whatever and then stick it up. i don't really ever re-read it. so i just wanted to post this to find out who actually reads this? so if you do please post and let me know that you do. i don't have to know who it is. i just was wondering if people even know this is here. so if could could comment and let me know, that'd be awesome thanks.
in other news my extended family thinks i'm crazy or something. they saw my emo pictures and aren't quite sure what to think. my mom banned me from halloween (my kids won't go and we'll be that dark house on the street that doesn't give out any candy or anything, sorry kids) and my one cousin thinks i've been destroyed in a relationship or something. i wish i knew who broke my heart and stuff, because then i could target my angst towards someone.
in other news my extended family thinks i'm crazy or something. they saw my emo pictures and aren't quite sure what to think. my mom banned me from halloween (my kids won't go and we'll be that dark house on the street that doesn't give out any candy or anything, sorry kids) and my one cousin thinks i've been destroyed in a relationship or something. i wish i knew who broke my heart and stuff, because then i could target my angst towards someone.
11.25.2008
Sun - Daphne Loves Derby
I'm desperate to know how you are
I hope you're deep asleep
Ive been awake for days
Trying to study every inch of your body in this picture,
From a distant state,
When I could safely sing,
Nothing in this world could tell me down it anyway,
But like a dream you disappeared, without a sound, without a trace.
Sleep well darling,
Where ever you are, I hope that your happy tonight,
And maybe you've found someone who'll love you right.
Sleep well darling,
I'm desperate to say now I need you now more than ever,
But all I could say was goodnight.
This is for a girl back home,
She tore down all my walls,
Left me for all she had known,
But I pushed it all away from me,
And no no even if I knew,
Even if I knew what to say to you,
It's just too late to make you stay.
I'm sick of fighting this broken fate,
But someone else gets to tell you that you're beautiful.
Sleep well darling,
Where ever you are, I hope that your happy tonight,
And maybe you've found someone who'll love you right.
Sleep well darling,
I'm desperate to say now I need you now more than ever,
But all I could say was goodnight.
It's the last thing I want but its all that I've got,
It's the last thing I need but I still carry you in my heart,
In my heart.
It's the last thing I want but its all that I've got
It's the last thing I need but I still carry you in my heart
In my heart
Sleep well darling,
Where ever you are, I hope that your happy tonight,
And maybe you've found someone who'll love you right.
Sleep well darling,
I'm desperate to say now I need you now more than ever,
But all I could say was goodnight.
----I really like Daphne Loves Derby, and I can't get enough of this song. The lyrics are just so beautiful and his voice so calming. Not to mention Genius makes an awesome playlist based on this song.
I hope you're deep asleep
Ive been awake for days
Trying to study every inch of your body in this picture,
From a distant state,
When I could safely sing,
Nothing in this world could tell me down it anyway,
But like a dream you disappeared, without a sound, without a trace.
Sleep well darling,
Where ever you are, I hope that your happy tonight,
And maybe you've found someone who'll love you right.
Sleep well darling,
I'm desperate to say now I need you now more than ever,
But all I could say was goodnight.
This is for a girl back home,
She tore down all my walls,
Left me for all she had known,
But I pushed it all away from me,
And no no even if I knew,
Even if I knew what to say to you,
It's just too late to make you stay.
I'm sick of fighting this broken fate,
But someone else gets to tell you that you're beautiful.
Sleep well darling,
Where ever you are, I hope that your happy tonight,
And maybe you've found someone who'll love you right.
Sleep well darling,
I'm desperate to say now I need you now more than ever,
But all I could say was goodnight.
It's the last thing I want but its all that I've got,
It's the last thing I need but I still carry you in my heart,
In my heart.
It's the last thing I want but its all that I've got
It's the last thing I need but I still carry you in my heart
In my heart
Sleep well darling,
Where ever you are, I hope that your happy tonight,
And maybe you've found someone who'll love you right.
Sleep well darling,
I'm desperate to say now I need you now more than ever,
But all I could say was goodnight.
----I really like Daphne Loves Derby, and I can't get enough of this song. The lyrics are just so beautiful and his voice so calming. Not to mention Genius makes an awesome playlist based on this song.
11.23.2008
So if I had to make playlist for how i feel tonight it would be something like this:
Swing Life Away - Rise Against
Sonnet - The Verve
Behind Blue Eyes - The Who
Sour Milk - Wild Sweet Orange
Angel In The Snow - Elliott Smith
I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You - Colin Hay
Dismantle. Repair. [Acoustic Version] - Anberlin
Eclipse - Cary Judd
Doctor's Orders - Goot
[untitled] - Christopher Scott
So I Finally Decided To Give Myself A Reason - I Can Make A Mess Like Nobody's Business
These Bones - Dashboard Confessional
How To Save A Life - The Fray
Sun - Daphne Loves Derby
Goodnight - Ed Tullett
A Lack of Color - Death Cab For Cutie
The Minstrel's Prayer - Cartel
Everything We Had [one take acoustic] - The Academy Is...
So from the looks of it I'm in a pretty depressed, lonely person. I guess that's what happens when you decide to stop taking medications. at least you can feel something right?
Swing Life Away - Rise Against
Sonnet - The Verve
Behind Blue Eyes - The Who
Sour Milk - Wild Sweet Orange
Angel In The Snow - Elliott Smith
I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You - Colin Hay
Dismantle. Repair. [Acoustic Version] - Anberlin
Eclipse - Cary Judd
Doctor's Orders - Goot
[untitled] - Christopher Scott
So I Finally Decided To Give Myself A Reason - I Can Make A Mess Like Nobody's Business
These Bones - Dashboard Confessional
How To Save A Life - The Fray
Sun - Daphne Loves Derby
Goodnight - Ed Tullett
A Lack of Color - Death Cab For Cutie
The Minstrel's Prayer - Cartel
Everything We Had [one take acoustic] - The Academy Is...
So from the looks of it I'm in a pretty depressed, lonely person. I guess that's what happens when you decide to stop taking medications. at least you can feel something right?
past, present and future dumps
So I just watched Nacho Libre, again. this is like the third time this week. Ok, so a few more hours than a week (the first time was last sunday at like 5 at Heinz house). But close enough. Anyway, it always takes me back to my mission when I watch the movie. I see so many people I met as I watch it. I missi my mission. Life was so much simpler then. Try to wake up 6:30, do some stuff until 8:00 when I started my personal study. Then came 9:00 which meant a little estudio with the good ol' companero. at 10:00 I started my language study, which wasn't the most productive time in the world (I'm not going to lie). Then we'd get out and work. All day I got to talk to people about the gospel, which is pretty much the only thing I can have a normal conversation about. On my mission I always had a friend right there. And some of them become your best friend. What they say about the brotherhood is so true. There was always a good time waiting to be had. The perfect photo opportunity. The craziest people to meet. The hardest times to be had. My life changed in oh so many ways. But at the same time I'm pretty much the exact same. On the mission I don't have to worry about food, or where to live or bills or anything. I don't even need to worry about relationships, although I may have put some thought into that more than once. I didn't even need to worry about my future. The gas station we went to was determined not by the price of gas (who looked anyway) but by who had the best fountain drinks (Valero is the way to go everyone. 64 ounces with dr peppper, and most pepsi and coke products as well, really cheap refills).
And now that's all past. I get to look back and reflect on it every day of my life, thanks to my job. And I can honestly say that I miss it. I miss seeing so many amazing people. I miss working solely for the Lord. I miss helping people find joy and happiness as a simple gospel principle would click for them. I miss feeling sad when commitments weren't kept, when people were too afraid to step out and really experience the joy that's just waiting for them. I guess that's part of why I'm grateful I work at the MTC now. I get just a taste of those things, but it's as close as I'll probably ever get. I want the elders there to get more from their missions than I did from mine. I wish I could open up their heads and give them everything that I learned, that I wished I knew before my mission, and just pour it in. But that's not how it works. They need to learn and grow just like I did (hopefully just more quickly). The MTC truly is an amazing opportunity for me and I am so grateful to to the Lord for allowing me to work there.
I guess the fact that the only thing I seem to have a little bit of ability with is talking about the gospel is a big reason why I want to continue to teach it. The MTC is the greatest, and I wish that I could work there forever, but I know that's not how it works. Others who have continued to learn and grow beyond where I am need to come and teach more missionaries. hopefully I'll be sticking around there for awhile though. Since working there forever isn't possible (or feasible for providing for a family) I've changed my sights on my future just a little bit. I really want to be one of those CES guys for the church. I'll start out as a release-time seminary teacher (because that's where everyone starts), but I'd like to someday be an insitute director or (least likely of all) a religion professor here at BYU. I don't know what I need to do to get to that point, but I know where I need to start. It's a really competitive field, because there are so many who want to do it (nerds like me) but I trust that this is what the Lord wants me to do and will bless me in it.
Sorry this post is so boring (oh great, another RM talking about his mission) and I wouldn't be suprised if you just skipped over the whole thing and didn't even read it, which is ok. I've just been thinking about my future a lot lately (after not thinking about it much for two years) and some pieces don't fit as well as others. Some I'm really trying to figure how to fit in, even though I'm not sure if it belongs. Part of the problem (and blessing) of life is that one finds himself so dependent on others and their decisions. sorr for taking up so much space and time.
And now that's all past. I get to look back and reflect on it every day of my life, thanks to my job. And I can honestly say that I miss it. I miss seeing so many amazing people. I miss working solely for the Lord. I miss helping people find joy and happiness as a simple gospel principle would click for them. I miss feeling sad when commitments weren't kept, when people were too afraid to step out and really experience the joy that's just waiting for them. I guess that's part of why I'm grateful I work at the MTC now. I get just a taste of those things, but it's as close as I'll probably ever get. I want the elders there to get more from their missions than I did from mine. I wish I could open up their heads and give them everything that I learned, that I wished I knew before my mission, and just pour it in. But that's not how it works. They need to learn and grow just like I did (hopefully just more quickly). The MTC truly is an amazing opportunity for me and I am so grateful to to the Lord for allowing me to work there.
I guess the fact that the only thing I seem to have a little bit of ability with is talking about the gospel is a big reason why I want to continue to teach it. The MTC is the greatest, and I wish that I could work there forever, but I know that's not how it works. Others who have continued to learn and grow beyond where I am need to come and teach more missionaries. hopefully I'll be sticking around there for awhile though. Since working there forever isn't possible (or feasible for providing for a family) I've changed my sights on my future just a little bit. I really want to be one of those CES guys for the church. I'll start out as a release-time seminary teacher (because that's where everyone starts), but I'd like to someday be an insitute director or (least likely of all) a religion professor here at BYU. I don't know what I need to do to get to that point, but I know where I need to start. It's a really competitive field, because there are so many who want to do it (nerds like me) but I trust that this is what the Lord wants me to do and will bless me in it.
Sorry this post is so boring (oh great, another RM talking about his mission) and I wouldn't be suprised if you just skipped over the whole thing and didn't even read it, which is ok. I've just been thinking about my future a lot lately (after not thinking about it much for two years) and some pieces don't fit as well as others. Some I'm really trying to figure how to fit in, even though I'm not sure if it belongs. Part of the problem (and blessing) of life is that one finds himself so dependent on others and their decisions. sorr for taking up so much space and time.
11.22.2008
BFF Forever
So this past week has been amazing. From the Hellogoodbye concert (complete with the amazing Ace Enders) To Elder Moore's homecoming (and the going to the Real soccer game and everything that went with it). I even saw my new favorite movie. But the highlight of this past week was early tonight when I was able to spend some time with my best friend. Now I have two of those, one if my mother, but that's different. Anyway. I woke up this morning with no reason to get out of bed. So I didn'r for a long time. Then I got a text from my favorite, telling me that they were going to be in Logan and if I'd like to join them. I of course said yes and made all the proper arraingments. Sadly we only got about 3 hours together, during which we ate and I locked my keys in my car so we had to drive back down to provo to get a spare from my brother (we were in sandy). It really was a joy to see my best friend. We're planning on spending a whole lot more time together the first part of next month (which I'm counting the days down to) but this was an extra treat. This friend is everything that I could ever ask for: optimistic, cute, funny, on the right track, nice to everyone, social, the perfect height, and amazing laugh. I feel that I can actually be me around her (and that doesn't happen very often. I feel that way only with about 4 people, the others being skanks, nielsen and heinz). She makes me want to be a better person, and anytime my phone goes off I hope that it's her calling or texting. most the time it is. I know she's not perfect, but no one is, and recognizing the faults that someone has is so important. I'm so glad that i have such amazing friends who listen and let me be me and don't judge me when I have my issues and help me everyday to be better people. I love seeing any one of them. thanks guys.
on another note, i wanted to talk about my concert i went to. it was amazing. we worked up tothe front line during the second band (play radio play, which happens to be really good). then Ace Enders came out and tore it up. the very first song they played was bittersweet symphony by the verve. And it changed my life. i mean seriously. that man has so much talent. After he played Hellogoodbye came on. what a bunch of goofs. they are so funny and fun to watch. they were tossing waters, calling people up on stage to sing verses and pretty much having and awesome time. the venue is the best place to go for concerts as i've seen thus far. at the end everyone came up on stage and started rocking out. and crowd surfing. so many jumped out. and i touched all of them. forrest even used my face to keep himself from falling, which made me feel pretty dang cool. concerts are amazing. when your out there jumping and pushing each other, feeding off the energy coming from everyone. totally covered in sweat, and only half of it's yours (maybe. you're not really sure). Amazing. best friends and best concerts. this has been a good week
i wish that we could be more, but we'll probably always be bff forever
on another note, i wanted to talk about my concert i went to. it was amazing. we worked up tothe front line during the second band (play radio play, which happens to be really good). then Ace Enders came out and tore it up. the very first song they played was bittersweet symphony by the verve. And it changed my life. i mean seriously. that man has so much talent. After he played Hellogoodbye came on. what a bunch of goofs. they are so funny and fun to watch. they were tossing waters, calling people up on stage to sing verses and pretty much having and awesome time. the venue is the best place to go for concerts as i've seen thus far. at the end everyone came up on stage and started rocking out. and crowd surfing. so many jumped out. and i touched all of them. forrest even used my face to keep himself from falling, which made me feel pretty dang cool. concerts are amazing. when your out there jumping and pushing each other, feeding off the energy coming from everyone. totally covered in sweat, and only half of it's yours (maybe. you're not really sure). Amazing. best friends and best concerts. this has been a good week
i wish that we could be more, but we'll probably always be bff forever
11.18.2008
so just the randomest of the random
So I always get crazy good ideas of things I can write about for this, but then I forget them. Given how cruddy my post was last night (I’m putting all the blame on the drugs.) I’ve decided to write a new post. I’m not saying it’ll be any better, but hey, don’t blame me. Ok, you can blame me. Basically this whatever has popped in my head the last few hours.
So there are a lot of different views on what happened to Christ (concerning his death) Christians believe (for the most part) that He died on the cross and then was resurrected on the third day. Muslisms (If I understand what my World Religions teacher, bro. Keller, just said) believe that someone else died on the cross, not Christ and that he, in essence, was translated. Then there was the crazy guy on my mission. He told us that Jesus didn’t actually die on the cross. Let me explain how, according to this guy, the last part of the mortal ministry of Christ plays out.
Christ comes, is beaten, judged and hung on the cross, which makes sense. He’s so tired and beat that he passes out and appears to be dead. The guy stabs him with the spear and they decide that He’s dead. So they go and bury him in the tomb. While he’s there he somehow, after sustaining horrendous wounds while on the cross he somehow got enough strength to move the rock out of the way and get out. When the people showed up to see him (the virgin Mary (who also happens to be Mary Magdalene)) He’s there, but not dead. The reason he appeared glorified is because he was so sick and pale from loss of blood. So then he goes on and dies later in a bed somewhere. Now this guy just got me upset, because that is just ridiculous. Not only is it physically impossible, but it doesn’t fit in with what the accounts say. So dumb. Anyway, that came because I’m in World Religions right now, and my teacher said something about what the Muslims believe with Christ. We’re talking about a religion right now that I’ve never heard of before: Bahai (I don’t think that’s how it’s spelled…). I don’t understand any of it. But hey, that’s ok. I’ll just read the section again.
This last weekend I went up to Sandy to get out of Provo. and it was great. But I had some time before I took off to stop by can check out gray whale records. I honestly spent like and hour and a half there. Such a hard time picking what to buy. I was debating between buying something I know that i'll like but don't really need, or risking getting something I might not like. Then I came across "Wild Sweet Oranges." and let me say. I'm amazed. I'm actually talking about it more in my other blog. so check it out. It’s totally worth it though. Also worth it is the movie “The Fall.” I know some of you don’t watch R rated movies, but this one I still recommend. There’s no sex scenes and I’m not totally sure why they gave it for violence (maybe I’ve just seen 300 too many times…) But it really is an amazing movie that changed my life. Really made me think about what’s been controlling my thoughts lately. And what to do about it.
So I think I’m going to wrap this whole thing up. I don’t really have a whole lot to say. My blog really isn’t very organized anymore. This is pretty much how my mind has become, always forgetting things and falling apart on things that are important. I hope everything is good for everyone else.
-ChAndrew
11.17.2008
sometimes this is me. actually it seems like always. my brain just won't shut off. and now i'm extremely tired. i have been all day. i think i'm going to take my drugs and maybe sign off. or write on this. haha. crazy times!!! anyway. i'm watching juno right now. and the dad just said to deepest and coolest thing:
"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.
And that got me thinking. What kind of person do I want? I was going to write something all sappy and stuff, but i think i'll abstain and just write about how things have been going. this last weekend i went up to salt lake. elder moore (one of my favorite people) just got home from the mish, so i decided to go to his homecoming. it was really good. he's such an awesome kid. i went up the before i hung out with heinz. it was a blast. we went to the real game nad it was fun. sorry i can't type riht. i can feel myself dallinf a[art. umm i also saw he fall which is rpettu much pme of my foraiter movies of all time. i'll edit this later so you can underwtqnd it. lvpe =cjandlrew
"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.
And that got me thinking. What kind of person do I want? I was going to write something all sappy and stuff, but i think i'll abstain and just write about how things have been going. this last weekend i went up to salt lake. elder moore (one of my favorite people) just got home from the mish, so i decided to go to his homecoming. it was really good. he's such an awesome kid. i went up the before i hung out with heinz. it was a blast. we went to the real game nad it was fun. sorry i can't type riht. i can feel myself dallinf a[art. umm i also saw he fall which is rpettu much pme of my foraiter movies of all time. i'll edit this later so you can underwtqnd it. lvpe =cjandlrew
11.09.2008
some driving thoughts
So I had a date last night. All the way up in Ogden, and it was a lot of fun. My friend from the mission set it up. I thought it actually went pretty well, which is something that doesn't seem to happen for me on dates. As I was on my really long drive back down, when I'd hit those spots where for some reason using my little ipod radio thing just didn't work, I had a lot of time to think (as well as get the 3rd worst headache I think I've ever had (I don't think the two things were related)). And as I thought I came for a few conclusions:
1) I am not very good at the first bunch of dates. Once I start dating someone I like to think (of course I'm probably wrong) that I do a pretty good job of being a good boyfriend. I try to make sure that they're happy, and put their needs and wants in front of mine and stuff, but it's getting into that relationship that I'm bad at. I honestly don't know how it's happened in the past, poor confused women falling getting confused, or having pity or something.
2) I am not a "doing" person. When I took that color test thing it said that I was a white, which as you know, means I'm a boring, pansy pushover. This does not help me get the ladies. But I digress. Not saying that I support the color code like even 47%, but I am a person who doesn't really care if I don't do anything. I am perfectly content to just sit on the couch and not really do much of anything, including talk. This can cause a lot of problems when you're supposed to be getting to know someone.
3) I and not a conversationalist. I like to listen to people. And watch them. And try to read them to see where they're coming from and things like that. I do not really like just sitting around and talking a lot with someone, especially when I don't really know them. And that's what first dates are all about. And then leading to second dates. Yeah. I don't do that at all...
I was going to write about certain things I need in a girl, but I need to go make a phone call to a certain person. So we'll take care of that later.
I'm the patron saint of lost causes- Namewithheld
1) I am not very good at the first bunch of dates. Once I start dating someone I like to think (of course I'm probably wrong) that I do a pretty good job of being a good boyfriend. I try to make sure that they're happy, and put their needs and wants in front of mine and stuff, but it's getting into that relationship that I'm bad at. I honestly don't know how it's happened in the past, poor confused women falling getting confused, or having pity or something.
2) I am not a "doing" person. When I took that color test thing it said that I was a white, which as you know, means I'm a boring, pansy pushover. This does not help me get the ladies. But I digress. Not saying that I support the color code like even 47%, but I am a person who doesn't really care if I don't do anything. I am perfectly content to just sit on the couch and not really do much of anything, including talk. This can cause a lot of problems when you're supposed to be getting to know someone.
3) I and not a conversationalist. I like to listen to people. And watch them. And try to read them to see where they're coming from and things like that. I do not really like just sitting around and talking a lot with someone, especially when I don't really know them. And that's what first dates are all about. And then leading to second dates. Yeah. I don't do that at all...
I was going to write about certain things I need in a girl, but I need to go make a phone call to a certain person. So we'll take care of that later.
I'm the patron saint of lost causes- Namewithheld
11.06.2008
just some questions about what people say
So I was reading the AP news on my ipod touch and I noticed an article about Proposition 8. As I was reading my mind started asking the questions is always does, and I wanted to ask it here. Now, before I get started I just want to say I'm not going to debate this, because all internet debates slowly break down until we get to "zomg!! wtf ur a idot don no nething!!!1! n00b" and frankly, I'm not very fluent in youtuber. I'm not worried though, since like one person reads this blog anyway (shout out to skanks).
Anyway, I was reading an article entitled Gay couples dissappointed by Calif. marriage ban, which is understandable because they wanted it to pass. You could create a whole other articel entitled "Conservative leaders dissappointed by Obama presidental win" and it would pretty much follow the general idea. Aside from the fact that people are already filing lawsuits and suing etc (on what grounds I have NO idea), there was one particular quote that really confuses me. Normally I wouldn't care, because well, people say dumb things, but this is coming from Brian Brown, the executive director of the National Organization for Marraige California, which sounds pretty dang imporant. He said: "Government did not create marriage, and neither politicians nor legislators have the right to redefine its basic meaning...Common sense, and concern for the common good, trumped ideology, bigotry and power politics here in California." So let's break this down shall we?
"Government did not create marriage" question one: then who did? If it wasn't government the only other person who could have the authority to make it would be Jesus. And need I bring up scriptures to show how he feels about homosexuality? And really the government did create marriage, or at least controls the legal aspects of it. If they didn't, why would you care about proposition 8 or any other marraige legislation? the government doesn't say who you can and can't love, or sleep with.
"Common sense...in California." What? I don't get that part at all. If anyone gets it, please explain it to me becaue I'm just confused. Does he mean that common sense and common good trumped ideolody, bigotry and power politics? or is he just listing things that are in California? I really don't get that. Well I'm going to go get ready for work. I'll probably update this tonight again with something a little more interesting
Anyway, I was reading an article entitled Gay couples dissappointed by Calif. marriage ban, which is understandable because they wanted it to pass. You could create a whole other articel entitled "Conservative leaders dissappointed by Obama presidental win" and it would pretty much follow the general idea. Aside from the fact that people are already filing lawsuits and suing etc (on what grounds I have NO idea), there was one particular quote that really confuses me. Normally I wouldn't care, because well, people say dumb things, but this is coming from Brian Brown, the executive director of the National Organization for Marraige California, which sounds pretty dang imporant. He said: "Government did not create marriage, and neither politicians nor legislators have the right to redefine its basic meaning...Common sense, and concern for the common good, trumped ideology, bigotry and power politics here in California." So let's break this down shall we?
"Government did not create marriage" question one: then who did? If it wasn't government the only other person who could have the authority to make it would be Jesus. And need I bring up scriptures to show how he feels about homosexuality? And really the government did create marriage, or at least controls the legal aspects of it. If they didn't, why would you care about proposition 8 or any other marraige legislation? the government doesn't say who you can and can't love, or sleep with.
"Common sense...in California." What? I don't get that part at all. If anyone gets it, please explain it to me becaue I'm just confused. Does he mean that common sense and common good trumped ideolody, bigotry and power politics? or is he just listing things that are in California? I really don't get that. Well I'm going to go get ready for work. I'll probably update this tonight again with something a little more interesting
11.02.2008
back to the roots
I've got a story, I guess. It's not really a story, but anyway...Music is basically one of the most important things in my life. I wake up to, go to bed to, and spend every possible minute in between with my headphones in or music going. The two year "haitus" while I was on my mission was rough stuff because I couldn't listen to a lot of the music I love. Thankfully my mission was pretty lax on the whole deal so I got away with a lot more than I probably should have. And of course I filled the gap in with talk. I love sharing bands and I met a ton of guys who did too. We would talk about bands anytime that we could and they shared a lot of amazing artists with me. After my audial fast I have to admit I got a little carried away with the whole musical deal. I just picked up band after band after band. It was great. I have to admit I got a little carried away. If I had a chance to get a new band I'd jump on it. It started out alright, a little screaming here and there, maybe some growl with a little of "A Day to Remember" but i slowly drifted farther and farther into the scary realm. Before I knew it, I was being poisoned by "Snow White's Poison Bite." It not's that i listened to it much, but the just fact that it was there was a pretty good wakeup call that I was out of control. I didn't know what to do so that I could get back on track. Then a miracle came. I was sitting around tonight, not sure what to do, and I remembered that I have netflix instant watch. "I'll watch some good old, commerical free TV. Maybe some 30Rock or the Office." As I signed on I thought I'd go and check out some of the movies that i can actually watch. That's when I saw that the movie "Across the Universe" is on the list. I've watched it before, however it's a favorite of a girl that's extremely important to me, so I decided to watch it. And what a change it's been. Back when I was in high school I didn't really listen to anything but the Beatles, but since being home I haven't really given them much time. Of course I always add them to my ipod, and they for sure get some air time everyday. After the movie though, I realized why I bought all the books and learned everything I possibly could about them. Their music is absolutely amazing. A lot of people don't like the movie, but I enjoy it a lot. it's amazing, and they did a really goo job with the covers. I don't know why I'm writing this, cause I'm sure no one really cared, but I'm for sure going to be breaking out my Beatles again
10.28.2008
Spilling my guts
Dear _______,
You're probably not wondering why I'm writing you this. You don't even know that I am, or care for that matter. Which is probably a good thing, because this will probably be pretty embarrassing. That's alright though. I have a problem, well, lots of problems, but this is one that particularly bad for me. Ever since I was in middle I've liked girls (that's a surprise to some people, but I promise I'm not gay), which isn't a problem in it's own right, but my problem is that I've always like girls that are out of my league. People say 'there's not such thing as a league' and 'you can have anyone you want,' but seriously, that's not true. There are girls out there who are just good for me. Too cute, too on top of life, too amazing. And those are the ones that I fall for. The ones that keep me up at night. That I wish with everything was the one walking through the Square with her hand stuck to mine, making me part of her own little world (Sort of like in the music video for "about a girl" by the academy is... (I am SUCH a dork)). Those girls are out of my league.
Granted in the past, girls have left their league and come to my level, making me feel like I really can do something, but, as always, reality soon checks back in from it's lunch break and it's over. Once again I find myself on the outside of the field, watching and wishing.
Most of the time, the girl coming into my arena is a fluke, as it was with you. We would have never met, nothing would have ever happened, had it not been for the pressure from a friend on me. So I took a risk, and it didn't go the best, but you amazed me. Everything about you was just wonderful to me, and although I didn't get to know that much about you (even the things that are high on my list, i.e. musical tastes and such) I hoped that I'd have all the time in the world to do learn. Everyone gave me the go ahead, and I went for it. I was nervous and scared, I even pushed for one of my friends to do something about it, because then at least they might have success and be happy.
Your problem is that you're that girl, the one that I can't have. My problem is that I've actually tried this time. I guess that's a good thing, because now I know that it won't work. I'm not retarded. I'm going to school so that I can read people and help them solve problems. For the past two years I've spent 10 hours a day reading people, trying to find out if they're "elect," and what's more, I'm now employed to try and help other people learn how to do the same thing. I'm not good at much, but I like to believe this is one thing I have down. So, when you ignore my hints for contact, when you drop excuses at the possibility of doing something together, when you don't initiate anything at all, you're sending a pretty clear message to me: "Don't waste you time." And I'm reading you loud and clear.
Don't think that this whole thing comes as a shock, I didn't think it'd work anyway, and maybe that lack of faith is why it hasn't. It hurts, it always does, but I'm familiar with the pain. At least this time I can say I did something about it, and I'd rather fail at it than wonder if it could have worked. So, consider this little deal my open invitation to pick up the ball, it's in your court. If you want to start something, I'll probably have feelings for you for a long time. I tend to do that. Thanks for giving me that glimmer of hope. Sorry for being so awkward (and if you ever do find this, I hope it doesn't creep you out too much, I had to say it somewhere)
-namewithheld
You're probably not wondering why I'm writing you this. You don't even know that I am, or care for that matter. Which is probably a good thing, because this will probably be pretty embarrassing. That's alright though. I have a problem, well, lots of problems, but this is one that particularly bad for me. Ever since I was in middle I've liked girls (that's a surprise to some people, but I promise I'm not gay), which isn't a problem in it's own right, but my problem is that I've always like girls that are out of my league. People say 'there's not such thing as a league' and 'you can have anyone you want,' but seriously, that's not true. There are girls out there who are just good for me. Too cute, too on top of life, too amazing. And those are the ones that I fall for. The ones that keep me up at night. That I wish with everything was the one walking through the Square with her hand stuck to mine, making me part of her own little world (Sort of like in the music video for "about a girl" by the academy is... (I am SUCH a dork)). Those girls are out of my league.
Granted in the past, girls have left their league and come to my level, making me feel like I really can do something, but, as always, reality soon checks back in from it's lunch break and it's over. Once again I find myself on the outside of the field, watching and wishing.
Most of the time, the girl coming into my arena is a fluke, as it was with you. We would have never met, nothing would have ever happened, had it not been for the pressure from a friend on me. So I took a risk, and it didn't go the best, but you amazed me. Everything about you was just wonderful to me, and although I didn't get to know that much about you (even the things that are high on my list, i.e. musical tastes and such) I hoped that I'd have all the time in the world to do learn. Everyone gave me the go ahead, and I went for it. I was nervous and scared, I even pushed for one of my friends to do something about it, because then at least they might have success and be happy.
Your problem is that you're that girl, the one that I can't have. My problem is that I've actually tried this time. I guess that's a good thing, because now I know that it won't work. I'm not retarded. I'm going to school so that I can read people and help them solve problems. For the past two years I've spent 10 hours a day reading people, trying to find out if they're "elect," and what's more, I'm now employed to try and help other people learn how to do the same thing. I'm not good at much, but I like to believe this is one thing I have down. So, when you ignore my hints for contact, when you drop excuses at the possibility of doing something together, when you don't initiate anything at all, you're sending a pretty clear message to me: "Don't waste you time." And I'm reading you loud and clear.
Don't think that this whole thing comes as a shock, I didn't think it'd work anyway, and maybe that lack of faith is why it hasn't. It hurts, it always does, but I'm familiar with the pain. At least this time I can say I did something about it, and I'd rather fail at it than wonder if it could have worked. So, consider this little deal my open invitation to pick up the ball, it's in your court. If you want to start something, I'll probably have feelings for you for a long time. I tend to do that. Thanks for giving me that glimmer of hope. Sorry for being so awkward (and if you ever do find this, I hope it doesn't creep you out too much, I had to say it somewhere)
-namewithheld
10.23.2008
The Autumn Experience
So fall is sort of here. Maybe it is totally here, I haven't had real Autumn experience (the Autumn Experience isn't a bad band name) for two years. Needless to say, I enjoy all the bright colors and the brisk, dry air as the girls walk around dressed especially cute. The other day I had a thought, but I haven't had the desire to write about it until now, as I sit in a towel on the couch (EDIT: I'm now sitting in a deep, not so dark corner of the library trying to study, and I'm fully dressed). That thought came to me as I made my way home with Prudence, "I Want to Hear You Sad" from The Early November's acoustic EP weaving it's way through my thought processes. I want to write it down before I forget it, hopefully it comes out like in my head, but it never does, oh well.
Foliage Relations.
People are like leaves:
Some are resilient, clinging to the branch of the tree, stubborn and resistant to change. They cling firmly to what they know, not letting go when the bitter winds come and all the others around it fall.
Others are bright and vibrant, a beauty and a joy to all those around them. People go out of their way to see them
Then you have those small ones that group together, going with the crowd, wherever the wind takes them. They aren't very cool when they stand alone, but when caught up with the others they are so facsinating
Then we have the leaves that are in a pile, troublesome to adults and a difficult task for many to deal with, but to those who love life, hours upon hours of joy and happiness are found.
Sadly we also have fake leaves. Those that are fabricated in hopes of impressing some, and they're good for their occasion moment, but really, no one likes them and will use the real deal when possible.
There are so many other kinds of leaves (and people) and the question has to be asked, what kind of leaf are you? Me? I'm the broken leaf in the gutter, slowly rotting at the bottom of the puddle,of no use or interest to anyone but the microbes.
So it makes a lot more sense in my head. But then again, that's about the only place that things make sense for me. And I was going to go out and take pictures of all the different leaves and such, but that's way too much work. Maybe next time. And if you have any suggestions on other leaves just let me know and I'll edit them in (credit, of course will be given). In other news, my Halloween costume is starting to piece itself together. Just need the wig delivered, and to find some pants. My work meeting was canceled today and so all i really have this afternoon is an appointment, which shouldn't take too long and hopefully will help me out with where I'm at right now (something has to change)
I do the best imitation of myself -NameWithheld
ps I'm updating not that anyone is listening a little later, with at least one (my first) advance album
pps CARY JUDD. this saturday night. I really really REALLY want to go. You can come if you want...if you're a girl I'll even pay
Foliage Relations.
People are like leaves:
Some are resilient, clinging to the branch of the tree, stubborn and resistant to change. They cling firmly to what they know, not letting go when the bitter winds come and all the others around it fall.
Others are bright and vibrant, a beauty and a joy to all those around them. People go out of their way to see them
Then you have those small ones that group together, going with the crowd, wherever the wind takes them. They aren't very cool when they stand alone, but when caught up with the others they are so facsinating
Then we have the leaves that are in a pile, troublesome to adults and a difficult task for many to deal with, but to those who love life, hours upon hours of joy and happiness are found.
Sadly we also have fake leaves. Those that are fabricated in hopes of impressing some, and they're good for their occasion moment, but really, no one likes them and will use the real deal when possible.
There are so many other kinds of leaves (and people) and the question has to be asked, what kind of leaf are you? Me? I'm the broken leaf in the gutter, slowly rotting at the bottom of the puddle,of no use or interest to anyone but the microbes.
So it makes a lot more sense in my head. But then again, that's about the only place that things make sense for me. And I was going to go out and take pictures of all the different leaves and such, but that's way too much work. Maybe next time. And if you have any suggestions on other leaves just let me know and I'll edit them in (credit, of course will be given). In other news, my Halloween costume is starting to piece itself together. Just need the wig delivered, and to find some pants. My work meeting was canceled today and so all i really have this afternoon is an appointment, which shouldn't take too long and hopefully will help me out with where I'm at right now (something has to change)
I do the best imitation of myself -NameWithheld
ps I'm updating not that anyone is listening a little later, with at least one (my first) advance album
pps CARY JUDD. this saturday night. I really really REALLY want to go. You can come if you want...if you're a girl I'll even pay
10.20.2008
what to do
So basically I don't know what to write right now. I don't really feel like pouring out my soul on this. I already do that every week, but at the same time I don't really have anything else to talk about. Oh. I just remembered. So I'm on academic warning, which means I was an idiot for a semester and they don't want me to fail out. the bad part is that they give me more work. I'm having a hard enough time as it is (behind in EVERY SINGLE CLASS) and now they want me to do all this work. What they're doing to me is the exact same problem that I had with my Student Development class: in their attempt to make my life easier, they actually make it a lot harder. I don't have time to do everything I need to, let alone want to, so why are you giving me more? seems pretty selfish to me. But they know what they're doing. I just hope they don't mind me coming back again next semester. I think I want to cry. Or die. I haven't decided yet. I'll let you know. So this entry doesn't really do anyone any good. In fact it just takes away from the time I could be working on my 5 million things I have to do. But I don't care. I was going to write about Palin on SNL, but that's just going to have to wait (which means it'll never happen.
10.18.2008
looking up
So this is the third blog i have on this address alone. i think i may have a problem. i just can't seem to get settled in. but now things are happening in my life. so i think i'll have something to write about. and maybe people will read it too. we'll just have to see. i'll also start updating my reviews more, even on advance cds (moving up right?) so things are looking up. i don't know what this blog is supposed to be like, but it'll grow up into a big, strong, web journal. or something. i don't know how their lives go exactly. so i really don't know what to write. and youtube distracted me with music videos and jack black. yeah for small, blurry clips from tv shows that probably aren't even around anymore.
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