Spilling my guts

Dear _______,

You're probably not wondering why I'm writing you this. You don't even know that I am, or care for that matter. Which is probably a good thing, because this will probably be pretty embarrassing. That's alright though. I have a problem, well, lots of problems, but this is one that particularly bad for me. Ever since I was in middle I've liked girls (that's a surprise to some people, but I promise I'm not gay), which isn't a problem in it's own right, but my problem is that I've always like girls that are out of my league. People say 'there's not such thing as a league' and 'you can have anyone you want,' but seriously, that's not true. There are girls out there who are just good for me. Too cute, too on top of life, too amazing. And those are the ones that I fall for. The ones that keep me up at night. That I wish with everything was the one walking through the Square with her hand stuck to mine, making me part of her own little world (Sort of like in the music video for "about a girl" by the academy is... (I am SUCH a dork)). Those girls are out of my league.

Granted in the past, girls have left their league and come to my level, making me feel like I really can do something, but, as always, reality soon checks back in from it's lunch break and it's over. Once again I find myself on the outside of the field, watching and wishing.

Most of the time, the girl coming into my arena is a fluke, as it was with you. We would have never met, nothing would have ever happened, had it not been for the pressure from a friend on me. So I took a risk, and it didn't go the best, but you amazed me. Everything about you was just wonderful to me, and although I didn't get to know that much about you (even the things that are high on my list, i.e. musical tastes and such) I hoped that I'd have all the time in the world to do learn. Everyone gave me the go ahead, and I went for it. I was nervous and scared, I even pushed for one of my friends to do something about it, because then at least they might have success and be happy.

Your problem is that you're that girl, the one that I can't have. My problem is that I've actually tried this time. I guess that's a good thing, because now I know that it won't work. I'm not retarded. I'm going to school so that I can read people and help them solve problems. For the past two years I've spent 10 hours a day reading people, trying to find out if they're "elect," and what's more, I'm now employed to try and help other people learn how to do the same thing. I'm not good at much, but I like to believe this is one thing I have down. So, when you ignore my hints for contact, when you drop excuses at the possibility of doing something together, when you don't initiate anything at all, you're sending a pretty clear message to me: "Don't waste you time." And I'm reading you loud and clear.

Don't think that this whole thing comes as a shock, I didn't think it'd work anyway, and maybe that lack of faith is why it hasn't. It hurts, it always does, but I'm familiar with the pain. At least this time I can say I did something about it, and I'd rather fail at it than wonder if it could have worked. So, consider this little deal my open invitation to pick up the ball, it's in your court. If you want to start something, I'll probably have feelings for you for a long time. I tend to do that. Thanks for giving me that glimmer of hope. Sorry for being so awkward (and if you ever do find this, I hope it doesn't creep you out too much, I had to say it somewhere)

-namewithheld