Dear _______,
You're probably not wondering why I'm writing you this. You don't even know that I am, or care for that matter. Which is probably a good thing, because this will probably be pretty embarrassing. That's alright though. I have a problem, well, lots of problems, but this is one that particularly bad for me. Ever since I was in middle I've liked girls (that's a surprise to some people, but I promise I'm not gay), which isn't a problem in it's own right, but my problem is that I've always like girls that are out of my league. People say 'there's not such thing as a league' and 'you can have anyone you want,' but seriously, that's not true. There are girls out there who are just good for me. Too cute, too on top of life, too amazing. And those are the ones that I fall for. The ones that keep me up at night. That I wish with everything was the one walking through the Square with her hand stuck to mine, making me part of her own little world (Sort of like in the music video for "about a girl" by the academy is... (I am SUCH a dork)). Those girls are out of my league.
Granted in the past, girls have left their league and come to my level, making me feel like I really can do something, but, as always, reality soon checks back in from it's lunch break and it's over. Once again I find myself on the outside of the field, watching and wishing.
Most of the time, the girl coming into my arena is a fluke, as it was with you. We would have never met, nothing would have ever happened, had it not been for the pressure from a friend on me. So I took a risk, and it didn't go the best, but you amazed me. Everything about you was just wonderful to me, and although I didn't get to know that much about you (even the things that are high on my list, i.e. musical tastes and such) I hoped that I'd have all the time in the world to do learn. Everyone gave me the go ahead, and I went for it. I was nervous and scared, I even pushed for one of my friends to do something about it, because then at least they might have success and be happy.
Your problem is that you're that girl, the one that I can't have. My problem is that I've actually tried this time. I guess that's a good thing, because now I know that it won't work. I'm not retarded. I'm going to school so that I can read people and help them solve problems. For the past two years I've spent 10 hours a day reading people, trying to find out if they're "elect," and what's more, I'm now employed to try and help other people learn how to do the same thing. I'm not good at much, but I like to believe this is one thing I have down. So, when you ignore my hints for contact, when you drop excuses at the possibility of doing something together, when you don't initiate anything at all, you're sending a pretty clear message to me: "Don't waste you time." And I'm reading you loud and clear.
Don't think that this whole thing comes as a shock, I didn't think it'd work anyway, and maybe that lack of faith is why it hasn't. It hurts, it always does, but I'm familiar with the pain. At least this time I can say I did something about it, and I'd rather fail at it than wonder if it could have worked. So, consider this little deal my open invitation to pick up the ball, it's in your court. If you want to start something, I'll probably have feelings for you for a long time. I tend to do that. Thanks for giving me that glimmer of hope. Sorry for being so awkward (and if you ever do find this, I hope it doesn't creep you out too much, I had to say it somewhere)
-namewithheld
10.28.2008
10.23.2008
The Autumn Experience
So fall is sort of here. Maybe it is totally here, I haven't had real Autumn experience (the Autumn Experience isn't a bad band name) for two years. Needless to say, I enjoy all the bright colors and the brisk, dry air as the girls walk around dressed especially cute. The other day I had a thought, but I haven't had the desire to write about it until now, as I sit in a towel on the couch (EDIT: I'm now sitting in a deep, not so dark corner of the library trying to study, and I'm fully dressed). That thought came to me as I made my way home with Prudence, "I Want to Hear You Sad" from The Early November's acoustic EP weaving it's way through my thought processes. I want to write it down before I forget it, hopefully it comes out like in my head, but it never does, oh well.
Foliage Relations.
People are like leaves:
Some are resilient, clinging to the branch of the tree, stubborn and resistant to change. They cling firmly to what they know, not letting go when the bitter winds come and all the others around it fall.
Others are bright and vibrant, a beauty and a joy to all those around them. People go out of their way to see them
Then you have those small ones that group together, going with the crowd, wherever the wind takes them. They aren't very cool when they stand alone, but when caught up with the others they are so facsinating
Then we have the leaves that are in a pile, troublesome to adults and a difficult task for many to deal with, but to those who love life, hours upon hours of joy and happiness are found.
Sadly we also have fake leaves. Those that are fabricated in hopes of impressing some, and they're good for their occasion moment, but really, no one likes them and will use the real deal when possible.
There are so many other kinds of leaves (and people) and the question has to be asked, what kind of leaf are you? Me? I'm the broken leaf in the gutter, slowly rotting at the bottom of the puddle,of no use or interest to anyone but the microbes.
So it makes a lot more sense in my head. But then again, that's about the only place that things make sense for me. And I was going to go out and take pictures of all the different leaves and such, but that's way too much work. Maybe next time. And if you have any suggestions on other leaves just let me know and I'll edit them in (credit, of course will be given). In other news, my Halloween costume is starting to piece itself together. Just need the wig delivered, and to find some pants. My work meeting was canceled today and so all i really have this afternoon is an appointment, which shouldn't take too long and hopefully will help me out with where I'm at right now (something has to change)
I do the best imitation of myself -NameWithheld
ps I'm updating not that anyone is listening a little later, with at least one (my first) advance album
pps CARY JUDD. this saturday night. I really really REALLY want to go. You can come if you want...if you're a girl I'll even pay
Foliage Relations.
People are like leaves:
Some are resilient, clinging to the branch of the tree, stubborn and resistant to change. They cling firmly to what they know, not letting go when the bitter winds come and all the others around it fall.
Others are bright and vibrant, a beauty and a joy to all those around them. People go out of their way to see them
Then you have those small ones that group together, going with the crowd, wherever the wind takes them. They aren't very cool when they stand alone, but when caught up with the others they are so facsinating
Then we have the leaves that are in a pile, troublesome to adults and a difficult task for many to deal with, but to those who love life, hours upon hours of joy and happiness are found.
Sadly we also have fake leaves. Those that are fabricated in hopes of impressing some, and they're good for their occasion moment, but really, no one likes them and will use the real deal when possible.
There are so many other kinds of leaves (and people) and the question has to be asked, what kind of leaf are you? Me? I'm the broken leaf in the gutter, slowly rotting at the bottom of the puddle,of no use or interest to anyone but the microbes.
So it makes a lot more sense in my head. But then again, that's about the only place that things make sense for me. And I was going to go out and take pictures of all the different leaves and such, but that's way too much work. Maybe next time. And if you have any suggestions on other leaves just let me know and I'll edit them in (credit, of course will be given). In other news, my Halloween costume is starting to piece itself together. Just need the wig delivered, and to find some pants. My work meeting was canceled today and so all i really have this afternoon is an appointment, which shouldn't take too long and hopefully will help me out with where I'm at right now (something has to change)
I do the best imitation of myself -NameWithheld
ps I'm updating not that anyone is listening a little later, with at least one (my first) advance album
pps CARY JUDD. this saturday night. I really really REALLY want to go. You can come if you want...if you're a girl I'll even pay
10.20.2008
what to do
So basically I don't know what to write right now. I don't really feel like pouring out my soul on this. I already do that every week, but at the same time I don't really have anything else to talk about. Oh. I just remembered. So I'm on academic warning, which means I was an idiot for a semester and they don't want me to fail out. the bad part is that they give me more work. I'm having a hard enough time as it is (behind in EVERY SINGLE CLASS) and now they want me to do all this work. What they're doing to me is the exact same problem that I had with my Student Development class: in their attempt to make my life easier, they actually make it a lot harder. I don't have time to do everything I need to, let alone want to, so why are you giving me more? seems pretty selfish to me. But they know what they're doing. I just hope they don't mind me coming back again next semester. I think I want to cry. Or die. I haven't decided yet. I'll let you know. So this entry doesn't really do anyone any good. In fact it just takes away from the time I could be working on my 5 million things I have to do. But I don't care. I was going to write about Palin on SNL, but that's just going to have to wait (which means it'll never happen.
10.18.2008
looking up
So this is the third blog i have on this address alone. i think i may have a problem. i just can't seem to get settled in. but now things are happening in my life. so i think i'll have something to write about. and maybe people will read it too. we'll just have to see. i'll also start updating my reviews more, even on advance cds (moving up right?) so things are looking up. i don't know what this blog is supposed to be like, but it'll grow up into a big, strong, web journal. or something. i don't know how their lives go exactly. so i really don't know what to write. and youtube distracted me with music videos and jack black. yeah for small, blurry clips from tv shows that probably aren't even around anymore.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
